When I found out I was pregnant for the second time I felt a sense of calm that originated from experience. I had been through labor and delivery and survived! I knew exactly what to expect this time around and found comfort in that. However, when my 20 week scan arrived I found out that my baby would be born with a cleft lip and palate, and everything that had been coated in confidence and calm was thrown into uneasiness of the unknown.

Due to my daughter’s cleft lip, I was referred to a perinatal specialist who warned me that due to my baby’s birth defect I would possibly be looking at a NICU stay once she was born due to feeding difficulties. However, I remained hopeful that Iris would be able to feed with a specialty bottle and I would have a completely normal hospital stay.

On December 3rd, three days from my due date, I had my last OB appointment. I went through the usual weight, temperature, and blood pressure check in, but then I also got my cervix checked for any dilation. After an incredibly painful check, my doctor told me I was already 4 cm dilated and could go into labor at any second. I was so excited to hear this news, because this heavily pregnant mama was ready to meet her baby.

A mere three hours after my dilation check I began feeling painful contractions, but these contractions were different from those I felt with Blake. They were inconsistent and varied in length and severity. One moment I was sure I was in labor, and then next I was seemingly completely normal. I notified my doctor and she told me to go to the hospital. I quickly checked my hospital bag over and said a tearful goodbye to my son, Blake, knowing the next time I would see him wouldn’t be for days and our family would be forever different.

When I arrived at triage, I was quickly placed on the standard monitors and could see my contractions in full view like little mountains and valleys being printed on page after page. They were huge and painful, but still sporadic. The doctor on-call checked my cervix again and claimed I was still at a 4. Despite the visual contractions being printed on the pages falling to the floor, the doctor looked at me like I was crazy. He told me that I was in false labor and that the contractions I felt weren’t “real”. He suggested that I just go home and wait until I was in real labor. I left the hospital in pain and disappointment. 

Somehow I was able to get some sleep that night in my own bed, but the moment I woke up the contractions came right back and this time they were consistent. Even though I had just given birth to my son less than two years ago, I didn’t remember contractions being so painful. I knelt over in pain in my kitchen while Blake tried to play with me and called out to my husband that it was definitely time to get to the hospital.

We checked into the hospital at 10AM and I was aching for my epidural soon after. By 11AM I was settled into my room with my epidural fully placed, but after nearly another hour I realized that the pain of the contractions was still there but had somehow migrated to my chest. The bottom half of my body was numb, but my abdomen and chest were still feeling intense contractions and I honestly thought I was going crazy. I tried to explain my sensation to the nurse and she upped my epidural two more times until finally I was pain free and feeling unbelievably tired. By 1PM I had my serene playlist playing on my phone and managed to fall asleep. I remember thinking, I could easily lay here in this bed for another 5 hours and be totally fine. 

However, my daughter had other plans. At 1:30, my nurse came in and checked my dilation to find me at a complete 10 and ready to push. Because Iris was going to be born with a cleft lip and palate, a few extra nurses from the NICU arrived to offer extra help and observation. One moment I was completely calm and peaceful, and the next there was a crowd of nurses in my room ready for the big show!

The nurses called my doctor and informed me that she would be here any moment, but in the meantime I should go ahead and start pushing. My nurse and husband managed my dead, numb legs into the stirrups and all of a sudden I had flashbacks of my first birthing experience. With Blake I had my mom on one side and my husband on the other side and Blake was born a mere 15 mins after I began pushing. With this past experience, I hoped and prayed that this birth would be similar.

My nurse asked me if I knew how to push and I replied yes. She calmly asked me to begin pushing, but after counting to 5 she yelled “stop!” For a moment, my heart jumped until I saw the nurses smile and she explained that my baby was literally about to come out any second. 

At that moment my doctor rushed in, got a look at my baby’s head practically falling out of me, and laughed. Five minutes later and a total of three pushes, my baby girl made her grand entrance!

As any cleft mama will attest to, when you get the cleft diagnosis there is a fear that lingers every day of your pregnancy. It quiets every now and then, but comes back roaring at any given moment. One of the many fears is how you will react to your baby’s cleft for the first time. I remember literally wondering if I would immediately love her or not, if I would see her face and not feel anything because of her cleft. I hated myself for wondering this, but there really wasn’t any way to anticipate or prepare for that first moment you see your baby’s face. But that moment… the moment when I saw my daughter’s face for the first time, every ounce of fear melted off of me. An immediate and powerful love overcame me that practically took my breath away. It was, and remains, such a unique love stemming from the desire to protect her from the world and the admiration of her innate strength.

I reached out my arms to her and brought her in close. Her eyes were open, huge and wide and she was crying so fiercely that I was sure she could be heard from down the hallway. And while her cleft was definitely bigger than I had anticipated, the most prominent part of her I will always remember in that moment were her eyes. They were the biggest and brightest and radiated love. Every woman expects to feel love for their baby at birth, but I didn’t expect to instantly feel so much love FROM my baby right then.

I held her so close and just stared at her perfect face for as long as the doctor’s would let me. After nearly an hour of basking in our little love bubble, a nurse came and told me that the doctor’s wanted to take Iris to the NICU to try different feeding techniques to accommodate her cleft. If I knew that they would take her from me for nearly two weeks I would have protested and held her just a little longer, but I knew she needed to eat so I handed her over to the nurse and watched as they wheeled her out of my room.

Luckily, I managed to not tear during delivery and felt almost no physical pain while I was in the hospital. But I will never forget how much my heart ached to have my baby by my hospital bedside like all the other mothers on my floor. As fate would have it, in my hospital room there hung a giant painting of an iris. Whenever I would come back from the NICU to eat, go to the bathroom, or try to rest, I would look at that Iris and my room would suddenly feel so empty and quiet. This wasn’t the hospital stay I had envisioned and hoped for. 

The night before I was released from the hospital my husband brought me a gorgeous bouquet of Irises. They were the brightest indigo color and even though I knew she was too little to even see them, I wanted nothing more than to show my little Iris the beautiful bouquet and maybe snap a cute picture of her with the flowers. But I found myself being discharged from the hospital while my sweet girl remained in the NICU. I will never forget sitting in the passenger seat with my bouquet of Irises sitting in my lap with tears in my eyes, wishing that my baby was coming home with me.

After an exhausting and contentious week and a half NICU stay, my baby girl finally came home. The next week would be filled with constant doctors’ appointments and check-ups, but I will always treasure that very first day home. Our family of four was complete and finally all in the same room. You could practically see the cartoon hearts floating above our heads, the love was so tangible. My daughter’s birth and hospital stay wasn’t what I had hoped for, but it was filled with moments I will remember for the rest of my life and has already made be a stronger person.

My sweet girl has changed me forever for the absolute best, and we are so lucky to have her!